where do we go next?

by epi

as those no longer able to be qualified as “kids” and no longer at the starting mark of (a sure to be cliched) life, where do we go next? i mean, what are we supposed to do now?

they don’t feel comfortable calling us adults either. in this world where you need experience to get experience, potential has become something we’ve wasted, and not something waiting (when did this happen?). now, we are (i am?) just something to shake one’s head at… say “tsk. tsk. what could have been.”

i have these moments lately, where i think about yesterday (everything i promised myself i’d do, everything i’ve done) and my heart wraps around itself, constricting until even breathing hurts. this isn’t panic. panic is wild. passionate, or something, sometimes. this is slow and easy. i haven’t panicked in so long, i’m sure i’m unable to. if i were to visit a psychiatrist, she’d say… “you’re cured of your propensity to overthink and then over-freak out about things that don’t even matter. hurrah.” for some reason, that makes me want to freak out. as though, even my neuroses have given up on me. oh well. welcome to the mid-20s. all of the expectations, none of the confidence. all of the dreams, none of the energy.

this, i feel, is when people generally give up and choose mediocrity. i’ll pass on that though.