to remember.

by epi

texting with a friend late at night about… well, life.

(1) I don’t know, it’s difficult now, but it’s mostly been great. It is honestly only hard when I lose perspective. I spend my days cuddling babies and painting and listening to a 9 yr old pianist. When I think about it, I’ll regret leaving this. It’s just hard to always have the future looming over… Both tantalizing and terrorizing me with everything that isn’t known. These could be the best days of the rest of my life for all I know, but I can’t stop wishing for something else. One of my biggest fears is that I’ve spent so many years dreaming, I’ve grown incapable of accepting. I think it’s not to much to look back and understand that even if we feel hopeless, we aren’t. Because God made something beautiful of our past. And not in a corny way. Just… We’ve come through so much. And there were all these moments where if we’d been somewhere a second earlier or later we wouldn’t be anymore. If this doesn’t work out, and I don’t get a job, we could move somewhere, get stupid jobs and live paycheck to paycheck and still have a reason to praise the God who has never left us without something we need.

(2) Amen sistah! [omitted]

(1) Yeah, I think I just somehow told you all the things I needed to hear. That wasn’t what I would’ve said. But now that it’s spoken I know it’s true. All of this isn’t going to BE okay, it IS okay. God is enough. Not God with a job, not God with a boy… God. Just him. Just his words and his salvation and him alone. But because I trust in him, instead of praying that it’ll all work out for you, i’ll thank him because it is.

(2) You’re making me cry!!!! I’ve already cried enough today thank you!

(1) Haha, sorry!!!! I just suddenly realized how good he is:P

(2) I need to write what u just said in my mirror or my door. I know it’s true but I forget it every day & live like its not true…always discontent, always waiting for things to change to “be better”

(1) I do love u. [&] Yes!!!! Me too!!!! Good golly me too

(2) Don’t be sorry! Tell me bc I NEED TO HEAR IT. We all do, everyone, always

(1) True story. So just tell me the same when I forget. I’m already forgetting:(

(2) While [omitted] on my way home I thought [omitted] “Will I ever be ok? Healthy? [omitted] ??!!!!” God gave us “us” & that’s pretty darn amazing!!!! And so we praise Him, even though we’re sad, we feel stuck, we feel discontent with the present but afraid of the future, even though we are lonely & feel lost….we praise Him!

(1) No, but if you weren’t [not okay], what would you need God for?

(2) Once again, u remind me of the truth!

(1) Yes, but don’t forget, we praise him BECAUSE of all that too. Not because good might come of it but because anything he is in IS GOOD. I don’t know what that means, but I think I might someday. That’s what James is talking about… Our joy is truly found on suffering. Happiness is when everything is going well, but joy… Joy is happiness in spite of everything. Joy is happiness simply because he lives. Now I’m crying. Awesome.

(2) Sorry

(1) Ha. It’s tears of… Gratefulness. I get it now. It won’t be easy, but it’ll be good. And one day, we’ll remember that without effort. Now I am going to sleep. And pray that one day it won’t take us heartache to be so willing to hear him. Because I do believe God spoke to us tonight.