july shared backwards-2

by epi

Today, I spun in circles until I felt dizzy.  And then, to fight off the dizzy, I spun more. It was madness. It was a 30 second glimpse of the way I’ve lived my life all of these years. I made so many mistakes, and then, to offset those mistakes I made more. I’m ashamed of my past, and proud to admit that. Not proud of what I’ve done, but that God has opened my eyes to my sins. No one will ever understand the depths to which I’m broken, and thus, I doubt they will truly be able to see how far I’ve come. But I’ve come far. And I have a long way to go.  And I am terrified, not of failure (not anymore, I’ve failed so many times, I understand that it’s the way of things), but of how much it’s going to hurt. I’m afraid of all of those emotions and thoughts and fears and regrets that I’ve hidden away, washed down with alcohol and stolen kisses. But fear is not enough to derail what’s already begun. Change. Transformation. I’m writing this because I was reminded today of the power of speaking something out loud. I want to be different. I am different. I want to be different. I’m worth more. I’m more.