coffee cartel at 1:30 am

by epi

i’m sad i was ever one of these drunken souls wandering around a city searching for a place or a person to belong to, call home. i don’t regret it (even if i should, and i know i should). this sadness i feel is real, and for the longest time i ached to feel something even slightly real. who cares if the first thought or thing was sadness? these are just words i’m using to avoid work, but i don’t care about that either. do you know i spent years trying to figure out who i was? to find my place? i do regret that. if i would’ve calmed down a little, waited, listened, i would have realized that i already was that person i was searching for. all that… everything. rape and smoking and drinking and broken hearts and restlessness and nervousness, i could have avoided it. (i didn’t, i’m okay.)

in case you’re interested (because i am), the person i know now is a brown skinned girl who loves her family enough to sacrifice anything but the things that spur her to love them better. I love God and i’m grateful for the things he’s taken away, because it’s led to the things he’s given me. and i know my family reads this (and i know i suck at words spoken out loud), so here’s a letter to you all:

thank you. because no matter what words i don’t say out loud, i value you more than anything apart from Christ (because he saved me enough to love you). i love you. you make me better. you make me stronger. you make me more. you make me less. (or, to say without attempting to use poetry–i’m sorry if i never say this stuff out loud. i’m sorry if it ever seems like i feel or think anything else. i’m sorry if i’m not enough. i’m sorry if i’ve wasted time. i’m sorry i ever imagined i was alone in all this. because i don’t, and [it doesn’t matter if i am] YOU ARE, and i hope i haven’t, and i know i’m not.

 

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