i am a social work student

by epi

do you ever get the feeling that you know too much? every day, i read about sex slaves or beaten women or policePEOPLE (sigh) who arrest citizens based on the color of their skin or touch them because of their gender or teens who beat other teens because they dress like a girl even though they were born with a penis. i know that my religion oppresses people. i know that, as a women, i will have to fight harder to get paid the same as a man for equal work. i know that as a black person, i might not get the job. i know that i am more likely to abuse my kids because i was abused. i know i am more likely to be struck with a mental illness. to be poor. to be homeless. i have to fight against this stuff. i know that. i know i have to fight. i know i might lose.

i know too much. i think about having kids some day, maybe, and i wonder… how can i protect them, and realize… i can’t. realize, i can barely protect myself. (clearly.) i wonder if i should even have them, and then realize that i have all these nieces… i know too much.

and then i feel bad thinking about my own parents because i know what they did. but i also know what they went through. i could almost excuse them for hurting me. because i keep reading books and i keep learning more and i’m logical enough to realize, by now, that black and white are just colors (or rather, the absence and presence of… something and nothing) and grey is reality. but i know too, that black and white, those nothings, will destroy people anyway. see? and now you know too much too.