oh dear sweet goodness, packing… (FOUND POST)

by epi

i’m at it AGAIN. sitting at my desk surround by an accumulated pile of junk. I’ve only been here two years… how did this happen?! HOW?! gah.

in any case, i added some blogs to my google reader, looked at jobs and stuffed a pinata. i can say, with little doubt, that i am 83% prepared for this move.

do you know me? i mean, reading this, if you don’t know me, that last list might look… random, or it might seem that i strive for randomness, i don’t know. i don’t, though.

i just am. yesterday, i sat, listening to a group of people i’ve learned to love. LOVE, I LOVE YOU guys (g’awn head, pee wee), and realized that, I’m different. Too old, too young, too quick, to slow. Mostly, un-linear, though. I’m sure the other things wouldn’t matter if I could just manage to draw a straight line from A to B, but I can’t. I always get halfway there and wonder what Z looks like, or remember the curve of P so I decide to ride it out, and of course then I need the sharp edges and points of a K or even an N would do.

i get that everything I said above doesn’t make sense. ish. i get that most readers would see all of that and roam away, get frustrated by a lack of purpose, feel as though their time was being wasted. maybe it is.

for a second yesterday, i entertained the idea that MAYBE i think wrong. that my struggle to fit into the world around me failed because simply, I’m too wrong. a circle in a world of lines. soft, where i should be hard. i thought about how hard i’d tried to be a part of them, how much i’d failed.

then, i asked, am i failure? no. not entirely. i mean, yes… failure. but only because i tried at all.

try to follow me around this P, if you will. We’ll still get to B, I’ll just show you more. I’m different, yes. But is that wrong? Perhaps, but probably not. But wrong or not, different or the same, it doesn’t matter. It’s simply who I am. And desire alone isn’t enough to change that. I don’t THINK the same as everyone else. I can’t figure out how to be on time. Getting from A to B takes me 30 minutes. What some would see as a simple social exchange is for me the product of a lifetime’s worth of studying interactions between people. I long ago memorized the way I’m supposed to respond to situations. Over time, I’ve learned to make slight (but only slight) adaptations from scratch, without a guide. I’m different. But… it’s okay. I think maybe, next time, I’ll try to be okay with it. Even if everyone else isn’t, I’ll be okay. Because honestly, I’m not a line. I’m a circle.