mark this as a new beginning

by epi

even i am forced to ask how i’ve adjusted so quickly. i mean, as quick as i am to forget almost anything, i cannot forget my slow and painful acclimation to Tulsa. (i immediately pause to cringe at how i must’ve looked–so eager to accept rejection after rejection, i’m sure the only term that really fits is ‘desperate’).  there’s an argument to be made, not by me & not right now, that my previous struggle was borne of a seemingly endless game of trial and error serving to make this life (these years) easier.

but who cares. instead i’m going to pretend like that was just difficult, and this is simply easy. i’m going to ignore the counter-argument of “it’s way to early for you to be making close-book statements like that” and nod emphatically while repeating my earlier naive declaration. it’s easier here, where people believe that equality is a right, and words like justice, economic development, humanitarian service and research flow seamlessly in almost any conversation. we read books with titles like “the end of poverty: economic possibilities for our time’ and ‘development as freedom’ without cringing in disgust or fear of political biases. never mind that i just lumped myself in with a group who actually don’t share my beliefs and who might be put off if they knew JUST how much i loved God. if they knew just how much i’d be willing to sacrifice in the name of a being they say doesn’t even exist. but again, that’s just something to be ignored. because regardless of the truth, i need to believe that the ease of all of this is real (looks and sounds a lot like desperation). and honestly, the truth may be that i fit in MORE here than i did there (remember, this is meant to be temporary). or that, despite the lack of religious conviction, these people really are more like me?

they want to change the world, and so do i. (okay i lied, i want to develop and evaluate programs that propose to change the world, but why nitpick?) by virtue of where we are, they haven’t settled down yet. nomads. like me. what was the point of all of this again? nothing. no point. just thoughts. stay tuned for book reviews. (remember, i said i wouldn’t write until i had something to say about something? stay tuned. i have something.)

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