a few months ago… it might’ve been a year, i was sitting at a table with people i BARELY knew. i don’t know why i shouted on barely… probably because later, i did know them. probably because i was so afraid, felt so little sitting at the end of that table, fiddling with my cellphone–and then one day, i woke up and was like… wow, i know you guys. i was less terrified, but just as impressed. it was so hard to fold into them. i tried to make them love me and they ignored me. i tried to love them and they considered me “different.” i was myself, and they accepted me.
not the point though.
the point is that we were talking about how i wanted to be a missionary but didn’t have the guts. i said, i’d do it if i’d ever learn to trust GOD enough (i know why i shouted that time). funny, but i just realized, they never asked me what i meant. how’d the know? but they did. they nodded, and looked at me for a few seconds. that might’ve been the first time some of them saw me, maybe. honestly? i was so little. i needed so much. how was that only months ago?? maybe a year.
the time is coming. i can feel it. my desperation to be fulfilled outweighs my desperation to stay safe. i like safe. i love it. i like being surrounded by people i know, (haven’t you noticed, i always know everyone). i don’t like change. i fear change. i fear failure. i fear. simply. but, i’m applying to leave. right now… i’m applying for scholarship after fellowship to get the heck out of dodge. i can’t stay, or i’ll get stuck. i can’t pretend dear for much longer, with out becoming deaf. ignoring God for much longer, what if He stops speaking?