a toast, for the girl who grew up while refusing to.

by epi

my desire to get back to the original point of this blog is forcing my fingers to move.

today i woke up really really early so i could take a nap before having to get ready for school. i REFUSE to grow up.

i also realized that people… are boring. mostly. all this time, i’d thought–i’m weird, i should change that. today, for the first time, i thought… i’m different. and then i thanked God. i like the way i process the world. is that vain? to genuinely love that i pay attention to the sound the rain makes when it hits my roof? or that i have philosophical arguments with myself? or that i dress myself in other people’s clothes (in my head) and watch their eyes when they talk (eyes tell more truths, than most people’s lips ever will)? if so, i’ll take the label.

today i also realized that even if i don’t have a group to pray with, i can do Sunday prayers alone.

i realized that i miss my Tulsa peeps, and that I wish I’d been myself with them. I wish they truly knew me. which, in light of my fear/desperation to be known, made me happy.

i realized that i loathe what i see in the mirror. but i accepted my un-beauty as something that is and can’t be changed.

i decided that i’m done trying to be what i think people want, and instead will be myself. people can/will? come to me.

today i grew up and it was the loneliest feeling i’ve ever known. not sad. not alone. not frightened. not bitter. just lonely, in a liberating way.