vague. oh so so so vague.

by epi

i want something. i don’t know what but i want something.

actually i don’t know what i want. i just know what i will do. i guess we don’t really have to know what we want. just that… well, we have something? this life. and we have to do something. so we live, and in the process we meet people and they love us or hate us or don’t remember us, but none of that matters anyway, because if they’d never come/loved us we wouldn’t have known that we were missing them and if they don’t come/love us we will never know what could’ve been. or maybe we do, maybe we can sense it… maybe that’s what i miss. someone who could’ve been?

how can that make sense? how? in any case, philosophizing aside, i’m dancing, i’m playing in this storm. because… no matter why i feel the way i feel… i feel it. i can’t change that. i can only live and hope to discover my missing piece along the way (you go shel silverstein). and to those who might say that my lack-of-something makes me less-of-something… okay. i’m not sure if you’re right or you’re wrong, because i can’t. i just know it is what it is. i’m this… a girl lacking something, even in the face of having everything and i’m okay with that. i’m not sure why i’m okay with it, but i am. the truth, perhaps is that this lack has almost become a part of me. seven though i think being whole would be good/great/best, not being whole isn’t entirely un-good. in fact, i’m wondering if it might even be good. for now. like i’m learning the shape of the absence… that’s all i know.

that’s all i have. i’m missing something. and while i want that something, the missing/need of that thing feels good too.