there are some things that that terrify me, and so i avoid them.
i’m sitting in the guest chair in my cubicle sipping quickly cooling coffee and waiting for our IT guys to fix my computer. it’s been a week since our entire network went down, and i’ll give it to them, they’ve been working hard. it takes a while though, to scrub and reboot the desktops and laptops of 70+ employees. anyway, it’s hard to work in these conditions, even with my personal laptop brought in, and so i’ve spent a lot of time in thought.
i know more, because… well, i’ve been thinking. and honestly, i still don’t know why i have this blog. to write i guess. to write and write and write, and some day, i assume at least, i’ll write myself into some understanding of all of this. until them, i get flashes of insight. like, how some things terrify me. last weekend, at my cousins wedding, i was talking about how, one day, i’d want a “someone.” do you know what i mean by “someone?” a partner, a co-lead, a driver, a checkwriter & money keeper, someone to tie my shoes and rub my back, someone to get drinks with and make dinner for. he turned away from me… i was talking about how i’d want someone to love me enough, one day, to drive me places, even if i fell asleep in the front seat. he turned away, and i’m not sure he wanted me to hear, because he mumbled when he said, “if you ever met someone like that, you’d run away.” i mumbled just as quietly, “true.” love is terrifying.
i guess that’s why i said “one day i’d want…”. terror. there isn’t a point to this blog other than to pass the time & write it out. process it. process what? i’m no longer sure. i’m different. i can feel it. i think differently, my body is slowing down, my heart doesn’t have the heart to shut out the world any more, and people, they’re coming in. it’s pleasant. being yourself. being known. being hurt. it all feels so deliciously normal, and i wonder how or why i’d avoided it so long. maybe i’ll figure that out about being loved soon too. maybe i’ll let someone love me and not run away or run them off or… do whatever i do. maybe i’ll want it enough to let myself want it. anyway, that’s it.