by epi

Today i might have a heart that
pumps sorrow and regret, but
tomorrow i will spew joy like vomit.

I’ll watch joy spray from my lips,
cringe while the mix
of kind words and plastic smiles
splatter and dribble all over the
city streets and expensive cars and excuse
me, forgive me, it’s on your shoe.

my joy. i’m thinking of you.
so now I’m compelled to cough you out too.
let my body spasm until it pushes you
out of me, leaves your colors on walls that will
need to be whitewashed [again] tomorrow.
out so that i can remember that i regret you,
out so that i can forget that I miss you,
out, like, i that time i forgot that i had you,
and so i had another too.
you didn’t scream at me, “out!”
but I noticed that your hand shook
when you opened the door (went out).
(I’d thought that I’d stopped loving you.)
(Telling you this, my last joy is finally
spent on you, and again I have this
body that pumps sorrow and regret
into a stomach that boils until I’m left
without a choice, until mistakes & kind
words and regret are pushed out from me
(this time),
leaving joy.