remember, back when i was the choose joy girl?
by epi
yeah, she seems far gone, but she’s not lost. maybe, just lost sight of what’s important for a while. maybe, just got distracted, strayed a little bit. (that’s where the adventure is any way. that’s the glory, i’d say. straying, exploring. going away, but coming back too. sometimes, i think, that the only reason i know what i want is because i’ve seen what else the world has to offer. it’s a tricky world where even the pretty stuff has thorns.)
but, back to the matter at hand… i was, i mean, i am forgetting to {choose joy}. but then I read this excerpt from a letter on a blog written by a woman who is kind of like me in that she is both here and there, both this and that (and yet, somehow, neither). adoption/foster care can do that to a person. split them. force them into this strange dichotomous existence of “who am I really?”, because, are your parents those who knit your flesh together or those who painted themselves on your heart? do you belong to blood or love? is it nature or nurture? who do i look like? (these are the questions you surprise yourself by asking sometimes. you try to tell yourself that none of it matters, but if that was really true, the need for answers wouldn’t wake you up at night, would it?)
and again, i’ve gotten off track. i wanted to tell you about this little reminder to choose joy. drowning in suffering, sometimes (i rarely say always, who am i to say?) just amounts to laziness… joy is a choice, and it wasn’t meant to be easy. it’s what makes it worth it (forgive me the clichéd adage, please).
anyway, what was said on Melissa’s blog: Yoon’s Blur is this:
“…agony is the easiest and happiness is the most difficult thing to have in life. Emotional suffering is the easiest performance of human emotions, and to be happy is the most difficult. I hope you don’t get defeated by the emotional stirrings, but to win it over and be free from it. From now on, our goal is to make the right judgments about our actions with higher pride to lead our future.”
i thought it was beautiful. i wanted to share it. (thank you, melissa, for shared beauty.)
epi_speaks 
Well, thanks for the thanks. But in this case, my Appa (my biological/Korean father, whom I traveled across the world only a year ago to meet for the first time after over 3 decades of not knowing whether he was dead or alive) is the one who gets the thanks. Those are his words from a letter he wrote to me a few months back.
I wish I understood Korean, because I bet his words are all the more eloquent in their original language. Nonetheless, I appreciate the translation. Yet I know that much of the subtlety of language is lost in translation.
I am moved that his words inspired you. I know they move my heart deeply every time I read them, in particular that they come from a man who has lived such a dark and tumultuous life who is himself fighting to find redemption…but that fact only adds richness and meaning to his words…
I guess, really, we’re all in this together, whether we realize it or don’t realize it…
yes, i should’ve cited correctly. i think i was thanking you, not for writing, but sharing. recently, i’ve found myself connecting with my biological family. the feelings invoked are… confusing, at best, but, it’s awesome to read your Appa’s words and realize that, no matter has been done or said in the past, everyone has wisdom to offer. and his wisdom was a much needed reminder, a ‘come to Jesus’ call, if you will. so thank you for that. thank you for being brave enough to go back, to touch your past, and to share it with the world.
Oh sorry, I wasn’t meaning to sound like I was correcting you! You actually did cite it correctly: “but then I read this excerpt from a letter on a blog…” I was simply trying to give proper credit where proper credit was due. In other words, I wanted to give my Appa a shout out. 😉