written may 9: to my mother.
I called you today. It’s the last thing I wanted to do. Happy Mother’s Day. I love you. And I hate you.
Calling you, I saw that I’m not strong enough to hurt you enough to prove that I love myself enough to walk away from you, to prove that I don’t love you. I do. I want so badly to hurt you or forgive you.
Talking to you today, I felt your heart breaking. I forced myself to say happy mother’s day to you, even though the words alone left me gagging. But it’s what you needed, so I gave it to you. I showed you love (who cares that it was a lie). Am I weak or am I strong for that? Now I’m just talking. Now I don’t know the truth. Now I don’t know anything. Only that my fingers are moving and they don’t want to stop. I’m trying to stumble my way into some truth. I never know the truth until I write it down.
You sounded sad. I’m sorry. I can’t stomach you sad. Do you know I’ll never let you go this sad? (Is that why you can’t get better? You don’t want to be let go?) I love you and I’m afraid. So much of my life force comes from hating you. It drives me. What did you rob me of?
Did you love me the best you could? Your love hurt so much. I almost called you darling there. I almost said “your love hurt so much, darling”. You don’t know me well enough to know my addiction to nicknames. Kiddos, and loves and baby girls, and sweethearts and babes drip from my lips in lieu of reality, of given names.
I’m glad you’ll never know it was the last thing I thought to do, calling you, I mean. That I tried to fill my day to push you from even the recesses of my mind, but failed at that. But you’ll never know. That I want to hate you. That when you say… “I love you”, so expectantly at the end of every call, I force myself to vomit the words back to you. That I want to hate you, but I can’t even bring myself to hurt you.
But the truth wouldn’t heal either of us. So I’ll lie. &I hope this is one lie God will forgive me for. Telling you that I love you. Calling you, wishing you a Happy Mother’s Day. I hope someday He can forgive me for it all. I hope I can forgive myself, too, one day.