i wanna write.i wanna write.

by epi

[old school. like last month old school. leave me alone. ha. i love you cause you read this. i love you cause you read me. don’t worry. i read you too. there’s something in your eyes (all of you), i always take a second look. i always wanna know more. i always wanna know you all more.]

I miss my music. (I miss the sound. The noise.) Oh dear God, I’ve wrapped myself up in other people’s words. I’ve turned off my ability to create. Turned off the desire to feel.

I’m turning everything off. One electronic appliance after another. Eventually, I’ll turn off my own mouth. Think instead of talk for once. That’ll be the hardest. Passing time in my own thoughts. Nightmares come again. I’m no longer afraid of them. Just a distraction. I never remember in the morning anyway. The only thing they leave me is salt trails decorating my face. Why would I be afraid of salt? Why should I? That’s what I haven’t let myself hear all these years. My biggest fear—fear itself—has nothing more than trails of salt to hold against me. It’s so easily washed away too. Those nights spent tossing and turning. Sometimes I wonder what I dream about. I don’t think it’s monsters and demons. I think I dream about people. And being alone. I always have the faintest feeling of sadness in the morning. Fear tries to hold my past against me too. It shouldn’t. I know what I’ve lived through. And even though I say I couldn’t, if I had to, I could live through it all again. I’m wondering what I’ve been afraid of all these years then. I guess myself. I guess the myself I’ve hidden. I guess what I didn’t know. I know more of myself now. I’m not afraid of me anymore. Fear has nothing left of me. Nothing left against me. It’ll haunt me now because I’ve said that. It’s okay. I’ve conquered it once. It gets easier every time.

Tell me, fear, what happens when I no longer fear you? The silence… that’s your last threat. And what when I overcome that?

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