this isn’t the blog i meant to update

by epi

but since i’m here, i’ll write. or maybe not write, maybe just type. i think there’s a difference there. maybe in the motivation or the cause or the care-with-which-we-do-it. i’ve been careless lately. (i say lately like it’s only been a few days or weeks or months maybe, at the outside. it’s been years. perhaps my whole life.) i’m a careless person, who cares entirely too much. or too little. i guess that’s what careless means, anyway. less care. (but i have too many?) i’m disappointed, and heartbroken, and (not tired, necessarily, more) weary.

i’m making the same mistakes over and over and over. & for the life of me, i can’t figure out how to correct myself. i can’t figure out where i’m going wrong. i say this isn’t the blog i meant to update because i didn’t mean to tell the truth. i didn’t mean to say what i’m thinking. i probably shouldn’t. but i need to say something. i read a journal entry from over a year ago. i had to check the date a billion times. of course i’m exaggerating here, i checked the date three times, maybe. what matters is i couldn’t tell who i’d written about. i thought, maybe, i wrote this without remembering, just yesterday? years before i’d written last week’s heartache. i almost cried. i almost threw the book (at someone, away, who cares). i haven’t changed. not at all. not a little. i haven’t changed, and i say i have, but i haven’t, and i’m pretty sure i might not be able to. are some people meant to be careless? i keep searching my life… trying to figure out, did i drop my cares somewhere? did i? can i pick them up again?

how can i make the same mistakes so many times? how can i pray to God to save me so many times? how can i ask for forgiveness so many times? (without learning anything. i almost hope He doesn’t forgive me this time. i almost hope i learn something this time.) i am at the end of my own strength. i am at the end of my own understanding. i am in need of… care. i need to care again. where does one, i wonder, find care?