Combing through old blogs:

by epi

Sunday, April 15, 2007

I promise i’m not completely random,

but today the smell of rain made me cry. While I was running… and listening to Akon.

I stood and breathed in spring. It’s something I’ve done every year since I was eight. I think that it is the only thing in my life I’ve had for longer than six or seven years. Except my sister. Everything, even most of my memories, begins when I was 13. Except this. I’ve always watched the barren trees for signs of life. And I’ve always closed my eyes in the middle of a street in the middle of the night after a rainfall. But today I cried. Not alot… and not with sound. Just a tear or two. A moment. I think that I was saying good-bye. To that little girl. And also… quite possibly to the person I was before. To the carefree girl. The world felt so… new today. Or maybe it was me.

One year. Sharde’ and I are parting after one year. I am on my own in one year. (I need to know something in one year.) This was my test run… Spain I mean. Try it… Try it… Try it alone. Did I fail?

I feel the same as I did when I was eight. Lost. Unsure… Tired. When I was eight. I remember that year. I prayed every night for three years to go home. Three years… 365 nights in a year– and how many hours in a night? And so many were spent begging for home. Crazy huh? But then one day, in the middle of a night of play, I stopped for a second to realize that I was simply tired. Of wanting. And I remember feeling as if the world was slowing down… as if I was the only person alive or able to feel… I remember closing my eyes and breathing… I cried that day too. Not alot. Just a tear or two. Saying good-bye… to childhood, to innocence, and to useless dreams. All the while- the aroma- the smell of the earth’s birth… calmed me. This story isn’t sad. I remember it as a day of hope… finally. If the world could die, and then be reborn every single year… then so could I. I remember where I was standing… I remember the house, the driveway, the neighbors.

Oh… spring is a beautiful hopeful thing. And today, standing in a street in the middle of a country thousands of miles from where it began… I stopped and remembered and was reborn. To people like me, traditions (even those that some find childish or whimsical) are like gold. Today, I inhaled Spring… and with it, I inhaled hope… Just like I’ve done every year for the past 12…

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