epi_speaks: streamofconsciousness

by epi

on the day i sat in my car crying & listening to country music
(but not singing along) & eating a chili cheeseburger&frieswithamediumdrpepper:

the expensive clothes I tried on at the discount clothing store
wouldn’t wear right. I only went shopping because
i’d ripped my tights, creating a giant hole right below the hemline
on my dress i realized (mid meeting) showed the entire back of my bra
which i would’ve realized if i’d looked in the mirror before i left home,
but i didn’t have time because my boss’ text woke me up one
minute before our meeting started which was 30 minutes
after i should’ve been at work anyway. & i wouldn’t have
slept through my three alarms if i hadn’t […]
which i wouldn’t have done if I hadn’t been sad about random boy
who rejected my dare (even though I promised myself… oh well),
and I wouldn’t even have accepted the dare if my friends hadn’t
helped me see that the other boy was “just not that into [me]” because I told
them I considered saying “hey… i like you” just to be rejected
because I figured he would and anyway outright rejection is better
than wondering which is better than putting yourself out there
& actually being rejected. i think there are two types of rejections, and
one I can control, and one I can’t and one hurts and one doesn’t,
but, somehow I got that all mixed up today when I stared in the
mirror at the new dress that didn’t wear right and realized that I
could still see the rip in my tights & remembered I didn’t have time to
go home before grabbing drinks & honestly it was all too much:
the revealed brassiere,
the tardiness
the mentee who wouldn’t even look at me,
the rip, the way the dress fit,
the boy who doesn’t know my name
the loss of the truth or dare game
the twice empty coffee pot when i just need a warm up.
it was all too much. So I cried so hard my body shook, then wiped my eyes
and ate my ice cream first,
and then the burger, and then the fries, and then a sleeve of girl scout
cookies, made a new pot of coffee (twice) and listened to country
music. &i already know i’ll pull the rip up and my dress down & keep my coat
on all night, and bribe the mentee with a dollar next time, and try
on clothes already in my closet & forget the boy’s name & remember
that my body & my life are not my own, &i’m too in debt already to
spend someone else’s skin. &maybe I’ll cry all day tomorrow too,
and maybe the day after until the sadness has run its course through,
but i’ll live to cry another day. &when they ask me… it’s what i’ll say:
I’m not okay, but I am okay, & I’ll live to cry another day.