epi_speaks: the word of the day

by epi

The word of the day is: melting.

Today, I held heart shaped sprinkles pried off a valentine’s day cookie in my hand until they melted their color and shape into my increasingly sticky palm. It’s a mess, but somehow, I can’t help but to call it beautiful. I’m holding hearts in my hand. And yes, I’ve held hearts in my hand before. & I’ve treated them like science projects: to be examined, picked apart, memorized, forgotten, and discarded before I ever gave myself even a moment to realize what I’d seen. To attempt to understand what I’d seen. To try and love… I need you to know, I write this with shame weighing my own heart (my fingertips). To know the things (people, beauties, loves) I’ve destroyed, carelessly.

But this was different. Yes, I’ve again sacrificed something beautiful for my own curiosity, my hunger to KNOW. But I’m changed now too. Not just the colors those sometimes overlooked things left bleeding into each other and my skin, but… My desire wasn’t clumsy this time. It wasn’t misplaced or confused or angry, just hungry. I was looking to be imprinted by them. Looking to be changed.

Before, a heart was… something to be molded, something to be shaped, something to be changed from a sticky muddled mess to something I saw as pure and lovely. Today, I realized the sticky mess is lovely in itself. The truth is, I never looked before. Not really. I’d never chanced upon any heart without the pre-determined plans of changing it, altering it. Because I never took the time, I couldn’t know the sweetness of raw beauty.

I guess I’m sorry. I’m sorry if your heart has been broken, if someone has handled your love as carelessly as I’ve handled the beauties I’ve destroyed. I know I have no place to apologize for anyone’s actions but my own, but sometimes, well, someone has to say it. Someone has to let you know that people can change. So there, that’s it. I’m sticky-handed and heavy-hearted with melted sugar and past sins.