epi_speaks on: moving
I got tired of tearing apart things. That’s why I’m here, writing this, instead of using my last few minutes to pack. I got tired of tearing things apart. For the last 13 hours that’s all I’ve done… playing the past year in reverse, praying that I don’t regret moving. I hate change. WIth a passion… I hate it. So I embrace it… run to it instead of from it. I’m tired. Of moving, of different families, of different friends. I want my old friends, I want my sister, I want northern Indiana. I want to go home.
But even writing this I know that I can’t have any of those. Not because I can’t go out and meet them or seek them out, but because… I’m not the only one changing. Or maybe, I’m the only one not changing. Dear God, I’m tired, & honestly I doubt this makes any sense at all. Basically… I’m sitting in my living room, listening to the wind abuse this building, bugs do unspeakable things, and traffic that transitioned from super-annoying-omg-make-it-stop-drown-it bad to the sweetest lullaby I’ve ever known. I move tomorrow. I’m not sure if I’ll sleep here or my new apartment, but if I do, it’s my last night. And as much as I hated it here… I want to cling to it, like a first-day-of-kindergarden kid clings to a parents leg. It’s comfortable here. No, I’m not really happy, Yes I was kind of actually a little miserable… but still. I hate change. Because even if you know it’s what’s good for you, even if you know you’re making the right decision, it’s unfamiliar. And since you cannot know anything (especially anything unfamiliar) with any type of certainty, you don’t know anything. I might’ve been happy here… maybe… if I’d stuck it out. OR…I might be prone to sucky experiences… OR…
wait. stop. breathe.
look, I’m 22 and I’m moving tomorrow. It’s the 24th or 25th time in my life if I eliminate doubles (like: every time I went to college & came back home). I’m afraid of change, but that fear does not control me, not completely. Tulsa is home. I’m happy here, and, as is my nature, I’ll be happy in my next place too.
That’s it. I’m done. I neeeeeed to pack. better post another time.